I often have dreams in stories. This was mine from last night…with some edits for comprehension’s sake.
“Why are you doing that? Being so kind…people don’t do that for me,” she looked up at her doctor with her big eyes – most would say “too big” of eyes for her face. She needed her glasses. The doctor was wrong. Her glasses hid her face – she needed them. They hid her face, and if they hid her face then they could possibly hide her soul.
And, she definitely wanted no one to see her soul – black and dark as it was.
Her head was shaky and spinny. The doctor’s hair is stupid, she thought, making Dr. Cooper as much into ‘another’ as she could. And the doctor probably has smelly feet. The ultimate sin.
She remembered someone saying that to her when she was much younger, and somehow it felt worse than having eyes too big for her head. Smelly feet, stinky soul and bulbous eyes – no one was going to write a song about her.
She just wanted to sleep.
The car accident was proving too much. She wasn’t used to feeling this out of it. It didn’t feel safe. Panic rose in her throat.
“Get me out of here!” she screamed as loudly and shrilly as she could. She had places to be instead of sitting here with this doctor lauding out compliments to her. The doctor instinctually backed away and pulled the stethoscope out and nodded.
They always do back away, she thought. This one’s just another joker.
“Now!” She screamed louder so that everyone would hear the fury and panic building inside of her. If she were honest with herself – it was not from fear of the doctor that she screamed, but from fear of herself. Of course, she was never honest with herself. That would be too hard.
She didn’t ask to be seen today. Not today – of all days. Not today when she had cut all her hair off, gotten into a car accident and lost her dog. Not today.
Her brother ran into the room at that moment.
“What is it, Bitz?” her brother ran into the room at that moment.
Don’t call me my nickname, she thought. He never gets anything right.
“Dr. Cooper sees me,” she screamed into a whisper through gritted teeth. Her brother looked at the doctor, startled.
“Not today,” the brother repeated her own thoughts. He looked at Bitz again. He saw what that meant. “We have to – I’m so sorry, doc.”
The doctor nodded – just like before.
Why is the doctor so complacent?, Bitz thought. No fight at all? Doctors saves lives all day, and yet, in this moment, nothing. But Dr. Cooper saw her. Saw her. She couldn’t even see her. Surely the doctor just didn’t comprehend what is happening.
Her brother stepped forward to start the kill. Bitz put her hand up to stop him. Her brother froze.
“I realized what I said would possibly go down the wrong way. I didn’t realize who you were when I was saying it.”
“Ah ha!,” Bitz yelled. “Now that you know, do you take it back?”
“I don’t. We all deserve to be seen – even if just once in our lives,” Dr. Cooper said.
Bitz took a breath in, but it caught on something in her throat. She didn’t recognize herself. There was a moment of hesitation. She didn’t hesitate. She wasn’t a hesitater.
This woman has no idea what she’s talking about. And she calls herself a doctor.
With one foul swoop, the knife buried in Bitz’ wrist flew out and did the job. For a moment, one would have said they heard the brother gasp. Bitz’ brother didn’t gasp. He wasn’t a gasper.
Doctor Angela Cooper slumped to the ground.
“I guess it’s easier to stay the same than to think about what change could mean,” her brother said quietly, staring at Dr. Cooper.
“What?” Bitz bit back.
“Didn’t think so.” Bitz pulled the knife out of her throat, back into her bone shaft where the skin healed quickly over it. Not quite as quickly as it used to, and each time it healed a bit harder than the last…but it would be a long time before that was noticed.
“I look pretty without my glasses,” Bitz thought again about the doctor’s words as she picked up her broken glasses from the counter. “Ha, she knows nothing.”